Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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