hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
being pregnant is like rehab
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
