I cannot find my penis.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
