you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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