My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
