life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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