I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
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He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
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I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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