I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
me + whiskey = a bad person
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
