I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
