Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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