I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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