just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
