Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
