he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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