Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
These tits shall not be calmed
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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