my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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