..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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