i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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