Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Randomize
