if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
