mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
