dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
