i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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