shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
