you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
