everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
