i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
