did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
