So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
