you guys were way drunker than both of me
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize