How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
