I accidentally burped into my bong.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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