Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
