I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
