Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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