Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
