he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
