I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
