I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
