Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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