Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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