well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
