dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
