I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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