I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
