She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
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Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
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painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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