Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
