DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
