I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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