Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
