I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
