You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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