You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
