I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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