He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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