i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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