Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
