my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
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I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize