I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
